Emotional Intelligence; a Form of Generational Wealth

Fostering family fortunes, not with finances but with the fight or flight response

In the grand lottery of life, the cards we're dealt can vary infinitely. You could be born into a family of riches or a life of labour, but there's another often under appreciated and under celebrated ideal; being born into a family that values love, acceptance, empathy, emotional and physical well-being, connection and fulfilment. The wealth I admire is not physical, it is a wealth of understanding, of compassion, knowledge and love. The riches I value aren’t counted in currency, they’re counted by my ability to be self-aware, to self-regulate, to empathise, to generate motivation and foster connections with myself, my loved ones, and the world around me. This is the recipe to emotional intelligence.

In the same way you have kids growing up with wildly different opportunities depending on their family’s relationship and access to money, you have a similar pattern playing out with a family’s relationship to emotions, trauma and health.

Self awareness and self regulation are basic life skills and yet so many of us are walking around completely blind, not knowing how to use them or why they’re important or genuinely thinking suppression, addiction and projection are healthy and appropriate forms of regulation. Though much like social class, the concept of emotional intelligence and lack there of, within communities, is not solely an individual issue; it's a system that endures. It's essential to recognise that individuals are victims of a system that plagues entire generations and communities, depriving them of the resources needed to cultivate emotional intelligence.

So, how does a kid’s emotional intelligence affect the opportunities they encounter in life, paralleled with the wealth disparities present in our society?

To answer this, I’m going to introduce an understanding of a human’s nervous system.

We’re going to focus on two parts; our sympathetic nervous system (SNS)  and our parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). Or in easier to remember terms, our fight or flight and our rest and digest systems.

In the same way that we are always breathing and our hearts are always beating, our nervous system is always switching between our fight or flight and our rest and digest systems in order to keep our bodies in a state of balance. We can only have one system activated at a time; a healthy nervous system is able to freely flow between them with ease both unconsciously and consciously.

When we are in 'rest and digest' mode, our PNS creates the conditions for our body to focus on recovery, relaxation and maintenance; a collection of vital functions for our health and wellness. During the transition into fight or flight our SNS, redirects blood flow from these functions and floods our system with adrenaline to provide the resources needed to tackle the immediate challenge that triggered our nervous system to switch in the first place.

In our fast paced, busy, infinitely distracting world, so many of us have lost our connection to our bodies; we have forfeit our quiet awareness for the hustle of anything and everything. We leave no room for stillness, for relaxation, for recovery, for meditation, or anything designed to guide us back into our bodies.

With this disconnection, we can also forfeit our ability to switch between our SNS and our PNS in a healthy way. The world that we have created does an outstanding job of keeping our sympathetic nervous systems chronically activated. If we aren’t returning to our natural state of balance, of rest and recovery, we will begin to store that trauma in our bodies. Literally; in our muscles, fascia, our connective tissue, even our organs. Our brains are not the only part of our body that hold memory. We have somatic memory, muscle memory, our immune cells have memory, and we have genetic memory within our dna.

Chronic stress and stored trauma have profound consequences on humans; a compromised immune system, inflammation, oxidative stress, chronic pain, heart-related issues, mental health disorders, and an increased vulnerability to conditions like cancer. To emphasise the significance, chronic stress can influence gene regulation and expression, effectively inducing epigenetic changes. In simpler terms, if you carry a genetic predisposition to certain conditions, stress can be the deciding factor in activating these genes.

In contrast, a healthy, regulated nervous system will thrive, maintaining the equilibrium needed for a healthy mind and body. We are blessed with emotional well-being and stability through the ability to regulate and manage our emotions effectively. We are empowered with resilience to face life's challenges with grace, adapting effectively and rebounding from setbacks with flexible decision making and our cognitive function is optimised for problem-solving and memory. Without the chronic stress, our bodies are no longer so susceptible to illness and will promote positive epigenetic changes to occur over our lifetimes. Truly, a healthy nervous system profoundly improves a person’s or community’s quality of life.

To bring us back to the original point, can we take a moment to acknowledge the vastly different lives someone might be subjected to depending on if they were taught about their bodies relationship to emotions?

Let me paint the picture

Let’s start with two children. One is met with empathy when they cry, the other is met with judgment. One kid is sent to their room alone, the other is hugged and walked through a breathing exercise until their body finds calmness again. What if a kid makes a mistake? Breaks a plate? One kid is met with punishment, yelling and blame, the other kid had help to sweep it up and was met with understanding-“ it is apart of life to make mistakes and it is apart of life to move on from them, with grace.” When life’s disappointments show themselves, one kid will be told “get over it, it’s not a big deal” until their little bodies crack under the pressure and they meltdown into a puddle of stress as they need co-regulation to “get over it” and it is a big deal, to them. The other kid will be validated, held and encouraged to nourish their mind and bodies back to balance.

The tools those kids will have to navigate their lives as they grow up and become adults will be worlds apart. The foundations of their entire belief systems, how they view themselves and their community will be worlds apart. The self esteem, depth of friendship, The upper hand and support one kid will have will be worlds apart from their peer. One kid will meet life’s challenges with tools like shame, guilt, addiction, projection and suppression, the other will meet life with resilience, acceptance, accountability and awareness.

Whether we’re years into chronic stress or hoping to not pass our unregulated nervous system struggles onto our young ones; how do we support our nervous system?

We can use breathing to bring our awareness back to our bodies and activate our parasympathetic nervous system. Breathing out for two counts longer than we breathe in is a fast way to signal to our bodies that we are safe. On that note, having a practice to remind our body it’s safe to feel emotions is so powerful. Instead of thinking about our emotions, or trying to make them stop, we can take a moment to acknowledge the feeling, find the feeling in our bodies and describe the sensation, is it heat in our chest? Heavy in our stomach? Is our face hot, our body tense? Bring your awareness to that area and take some breaths, breathing into the sensations. Crying, laughing, singing, dancing, walking, jumping, hugging, even spending time with nature; they are simple expressions, but they regulate our body. If we can recognise we need regulation, and take the time to consciously return our focus back to our bodies and create safety; we are bringing our nervous systems back into balance. Every time we choose to check in, and consciously acknowledge how we’re feeling, without judging it, and choose to act in a way that holds space for those feelings while also intentionally doing something to help move that energy, we are creating the conditions in our bodies to see real, meaningful and sustainable healing and change, physically and mentally.

An extra sweet benefit? Our little ones do as we do and not as we say; they’ll learn emotional intelligence without having to unlearn 10, 20, 50 years of unhelpful habits.

I want to proudly gift our younger generations- my children if/when I have them, the physical resources they need to navigate this wild place we call home, the stereotypical generational wealth (a more sustainable version anyway), but more importantly I want to gift them with the inner resources they need; that is the form of generation wealth I aspire to create. Money creates opportunities but I believe emotional intelligence creates more opportunity and fulfilment than money ever could.